Goerke Christmas Letter 2016

Hello friends and family and Merry Christmas!

Writing to you from Lincoln, Nebraska this year! The place Cody said he'd "never" move to because among his other reasons, it has no mountains. But God and I don't care if Nebraska has mountains or not, and little did Cody know, he wouldn't mind either. It's home now. Nebraska welcomed us last winter with a heavy snow just a couple days after moving in to our rental house. The kids and I enjoyed watching Cody scoop snow for what seemed like the umpteenth time. It was kind of comical- it just kept coming down and covering his freshly scooped path in thick white. Little different from Southern Missouri snow dustings. Our rental had a steep back yard that proved perfect for our kiddos to gleefully sled down and enough flat ground to build their first real snowman. It was wonderful.

We landed in Lincoln last winter when Cody was offered the position as Middle School Pastor at North Pointe Community Church. This church (not ironically because God is cool like this), is the church I was fortunate enough to serve at all through college as a youth leader and under the same leadership that Cody now works with. Pretty cool the way God works. Cody fits so well in this position and we are thrilled to be closer to grandparents too, though the kids still receive much love from Grandma Sandy and Pop in Missouri! Not only do we see them more, mom and dad are thankful for the respite they offer! Grandma Kristie, who's one hour north in Omaha, kept the kids for a week in the spring while we vacationed to Jamaica as a celebration of 5 years of marriage, and Grandma Ruth and PaPa (Larry), who are two and half hours southeast in Missouri, will keep them while we travel to Haiti on a mission trip right after Christmas this year. As 2016 opened up, we had no idea we'd be wrapping it up in Haiti. God knew all along and has big plans for what we're about to learn so we are looking forward to it and are thankful for His provision.

All that snow scooping last winter must have gotten Cody in shape to pursue an item on his bucket list. Come spring he signed up for the Good Life Halfsy held in November. He trained (or something like that) and completed the whole 13.1 miles with a smile on his face. The kids and I had fun cheering him on.

The kids have just exploded in growth this year. Phoenix turned two in April and refused to talk until summer, after we had her hearing screened. Twice. So come June, she started talking in full and complete sentences just to rub it in. We then embarked on the potty training adventure in the fall and of course she didn't make it easy on us. We backed off, switched to pull-ups, and can you guess what happened? Yeah, she's potty trained now. On. Her. Terms. Good thing about Phoenix though, she loves as much as she is stubborn. She's my cuddle bug, lover bug, and cutie pie. But don't call her that. She's Phoenix!

Cody rebuilt a cool little 12 inch bike for Xander last year and this spring we got all excited to teach him how to ride it without the training wheels. Cody took them off and Xander "took off"! Rode down the sidewalk, turned around and came back! We shouldn't have been surprised, that's Xander. By his fourth birthday in September, he was riding a 16 inch bike and doing back flips on the neighbor's trampoline. This kid's going places and he'll make every single person smile and laugh on his way there. He's pure joy and energy.

Cody's younger brother married in October. Cody was the best man and the kids were the sign bearer and flower girl.  They traveled for at least 14 hours, walked down the aisle, swam their hearts out a the hotel pool, stayed up way passed bed time and throughout it all did perfectly awesome. Even Cody. :P Miracles happen, people.

We took on the adventure of tent camping this year. Our family went twice with Cody's parents and stayed close to their nest until we stretched our own wings and went all by our big bad selves to Branched Oak, a whole 20 minutes north of our house. All went well, minus having to walk a queen sized air mattress over to an unoccupied electric site to air it up and shamelessly walk across camp with our aircraft over our heads, only to have it deflate overnight. This is my doing. Cody's a good man tending to the needs of the woman who birthed his two children and can no longer sleep on hard ground. Camping is a blast for our family, though. We look forward to many more memories being made.

After working as a Speech Pathology Assistant full time in Joplin from 2014-2015 and loving it, I still dreamed of staying home with the kids again. I'm thankful Cody works so hard to make this possible. We have fun at the children's zoo and museum, swimming, going to the Y, having play dates with new friends, and just enjoying a slow pace at home. I did cover a Speech Pathology maternity leave part time in the Spring to help with our vacation and because I really enjoy doing speech therapy. We're not sure if I'll pursue that again after the kids are in school or what but we have time to decide. Xander will most likely attend preschool part time next year and Kindergarten in 2018, with Phoenix only one year behind him! We are savoring this time!

We are heading into this winter in our new house we purchased right before Halloween. We waited to buy until we figured out Lincoln and started breathing again from the sticker shock! Another little difference from Southern Missouri. Soon after moving in we took on a project of restoring a 1937 Duncan Phyfe table and chairs in order to be able to host large groups like we love. There was awhile there where it looked like an alien massacre took place in our garage with the chemical stripping turning dark red stain and varnish into a hideous looking goo. There was no containing it so the garbage can had red stains all over it. Not sure what the garbage men think of the new owners of 1708 NW Flader Ct, but cops haven't checked in to us yet so we must be in the clear. Either that, or the men are covering for us. It was recently replaced with a bright yellow trash can. hmmm? Not sure how many times we about turned back and sold the whole thing off, but we finished it and it's absolutely beautiful. We've discovered we really love projects though, and come 2017, we will be tackling our unfinished basement. Give us a call or stop by and see how our marriage is doing. HA! We have different ideas when it comes to these things-it's our nature as polar opposites, but just as in every aspect of marriage, when we balance each other, the result is beautiful. I love how God designed that.

After five years of roasting just enough coffee for ourselves in a popcorn popper, we got ourselves a real roaster and are in business! SimpliCity+ Coffee is taking orders to keep you awake in 2017! USPS charges an extra arm and a leg though for shipping so local orders only at this time. But we'd love to see you so stop by and get yourself a fresh roasted bag and stay around to play games and have a cup, or ten. Hang around long enough to give us a hand in the basement too, sooner it's done, sooner you'll have a bedroom when you come stay! :D

We pray you and your family are happy and healthy and learning new things about God's best for you daily. He is truly wonderful and we give Him all the glory for the journey behind us and the adventure before us. We're sincerely glad you're a part of that.

With love,

The Goerkes

Preparing for answered prayer

Never pray something you aren't completely serious about and prepared to handle the answer. If you pray for patience-prepare to face every situation possible that tests your patience. And if you pray to learn to rely on God in a completely new way than ever before-prepare to be stripped of everything you rely on other than Him. Little did I know the danger in the prayer I prayed two months ago. But God is faithful-He will never leave me or forsake me.

8/6/2016
God help me transfer all the rejection coming my way to you. It piles up daily. But you can handle it. You are enough. You know what rejection feels like so you know exactly what I am going through. I may be despised and rejected by others but not by you. You are good and you created me. You love me just the way I am. If I go through this life with not a single friend, you are enough. You are my hope. You are my everything. I pray that I bring every hurt and every frustration and every one of my own sins to you so that I do not shoulder them alone. I pray I learn to rely on you in a completely new way than I ever have before. I don't need acceptance on this earth as long as I have you. Thank you for being consistent and persistent in your relationship with me. I humble myself before you knowing that I don't deserve you but proclaim the truth that you have chosen me as your own. I am your daughter and you are my father and my King. I love you. Help me through this journey to independence from others and full dependence on you.

Bitter wine. Bitter lessons.

The wine is dry and bitter tonight.
Not my preference.
But tonight dry and bitter is fitting.

2016. The year of humility.
Learning to lower myself and stripping my pride.
2016. The year of becoming stronger.
Learning to stretch and strengthen spiritually, mentally, physically.
2016. The year of letting go.
Learning to lean completely on God and none other.
2016. What a beautiful one you are.
But these lessons are not like sweet white wine.
These lessons taste dry and bitter.
And I love them.
I need them.
Over and over again.
Until the lessons are learned.
Until I am humble, strong, and dependent on God alone.
Day by day, God, you gently teach me...again.
I did not grasp the lesson yesterday.
And so today we start again.
And I see you.
I feel you.
I know you love me.
Enough.
Enough to cover for all I put in your place.
And it's all stripping away.
Yet it's not all gone.
The grasping, the pride, the weakness.
So tomorrow I will learn again.
Until I get it.
Until no one but you stands on my altar.
Until no pride remains.
Until I rest in the shadow of your wings.
Until I find refuge in you alone.
YOU are my rock.
YOU alone.
YOU.

Waiting for the Finished Product

I remember when I was in elementary school that I posted a note on my bedroom door with an excessively long acronym on it. It was "PBPGINFWMY". Bet you don't know what that stands for, or how you'd say it. "Pub Pug Infamy" maybe? I have no idea, nor do I know where I came up with it. But it stands for "Please Be Patient, God Is Not Finished With Me Yet". Why I thought that made sense to place it on my door in acronym form, I have no clue, but the idea was, even in my young years, I knew I didn't have it all together and I knew I needed some slack.

I'm trekking into my thirties now, and I still want PBPGINFWMY posted on my door or maybe my forehead. Because I know I'm still not a finished product. And you know what? That bothers me way more than it bothers anyone else. I need to cut myself some slack way more than anyone else does and I need my own patience way more than from anyone else. Because being incomplete, unfinished, and unpolished is not how I want to be. I find it embarrassing, humiliating, and frustrating. I want to be a piece of art ready for the show room, and kept behind lock and key where only the artist can see me until I'm finished. But with life this is not how it goes.

This serves as the before and during. :) Yes, I'm waving.

The black filing cabinets with my son as just a babe.

This actually ended up getting painted black after this pic was taken and stayed that way for quite a while.

We're all unfinished products. And no one appreciates and 'after' picture unless they see the 'before'. Because the beauty lies in the journey and the transformation.  Cody and I have brought some old mundane things back to life lately and I love the before and afters. But I didn't really want anyone to see the "during" only because they didn't know from where the pieces had come. It's the same with me, some people don't know how far I've come, they're only seeing the "during", the incomplete, and I don't like that so much.

Filing cabinets and coffee table finished with my adorable kiddos.

But then I must remind myself:

I'm Perfectly Imperfect. The whole point of this blog is to live an authentic, transparent life, while encouraging others to do the same. So if I wait to show up until I feel I'm complete, then I'll live my whole life in hiding. So I have to accept myself the way I am right now and know that

I am wholly and completely loved by a whole and complete God 

who's not finished with me yet, and He won't be until the day Christ Jesus returns. So until then, I just live in the "during", telling others of my before and how far God has already brought me, knowing my only "after" will be in Heaven with Jesus, shining bright. Whole and complete.

"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." Philippians 1:6

Do they know I know they know?!

My Friends fans, do you remember "The one where everybody finds out"? This is the episode where everyone finds out about Monica and Chandler, and even though at nearly the same time, no one knows for sure who else knows or if they know that the others know; Hence the famous Phoebe quote,

This quote came to my mind recently as I was facing the truth that others can clearly see what a mess I am but I was wondering if it would make it sting less if they understood that I knew I was a mess.

"Do they know that I know that I'm a mess and I know they know?!" 

Because if they know I know, maybe they won't judge quite so hard. Maybe they'll ease up on me or even help me. Just wishful thinking, really, because the judgements hurt, especially when they're coming so heavy from inside me more than the outside. Because I see what a mess I am and I am hard enough on me for everyone. And I don't want to be seen for the mess I am. I don't want to be exposed. I don't want to be a mess.

But I am. Because the stuff God uses to mold and shape me into the person he wants me to be, is hard. And I usually fall and crawl before I stand and fight. Growing is hard. It hurts. And for me, it's embarrassing, because I wear it all on my sleeve. I can't hide, as much as I want to so that I'm not exposed for my weaknesses, I just can't hide. And some part of me doesn't want to hide. A part of me wants to be completely known, and completely loved. But the other part of me is scared because I don't know if I'll be loved...or left.

So I find myself at the point where I put my hands in the air and just own it. In admitting my faults, my struggles, my weaknesses, my mess, I let everyone "know I know they know". Because hiding just makes it worse.

So that's why I admitted that "momming" is so hard for me. I have never had much for examples to follow in life. And I knew I wasn't ready for kids but God knew that kids would be one of those hard things that He would use to mold and shape me and He knew that I would love them more than I even knew was possible. I've just been in more of the falling and crawling stage, so I'm trying to stand and fight, but I'm grasping for armor at this point. I don't know what I'm doing and my kids need me to. I've tried this and that to understand them and do what's best for them but soon as I find something that works, I fall again. I get excited that maybe just maybe I figured this thing out and we're gonna smooth sail from here, but these kids prove me wrong. Every. Time.

There's no smooth sailing in parenting, or life for that matter. We've gotta stay ON. Satan loves it when we cast our sails of pride and lay back with our chest puffed. He loves that. But unfortunately for him, when he attacks again, though he may win momentarily as I fall and crawl yet again, he reminds me how much I need Jesus to stand and fight.

And when I confess to those around me that I know I'm a mess and I know they know, I am reminded that I'm not alone. And I am loved. There are others who have gone before me that were a mess like me and they pressed on. And there are others fighting beside me and we press on, together.
I'm so glad I know they know I know.

"Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 

2 Corinthians 12:9-11

Deadly Fear

Fear. We've all got it, right? It comes in lots of shapes and sizes. We overcome some and take on others. Personally, I have had one chasing me that I've just had enough of. Here's where I'm at.

I am so afraid of losing a loved one. It seems lately every time I pick up a devotional of any sort it speaks of losing a loved one and being strong and trusting in the Lord, and things of that nature. It scares me every time, so I quickly close the book and walk away with my fear and plenty of denial in hand. I have been living in fear of this for quite some time now. But today I decided to face it. I can't live this way. And God surely does not desire for me to live this way.

God says to my heart that He is enough for me. But my flesh says back that, though I want Him to be enough, I'm not sure He is. Ouch. Doubt.

But the Truth: God IS enough. And we shall have no other gods before Him. (Exodus 20:3-5) Not even our family. Not our spouse. Not our kids. Not our job. Not our money. Nothing. I don't want to have to lose a loved one to believe this truth.

If I were to experience the death of a loved one, God would be enough for me. He would love on my hurting heart. He would wrap His arms around me through His people. He would provide for me. And He would remind me I have reason to live.

Living in fear of this, or of anything for that matter, will not prevent it from happening. 

Just as being afraid of spiders won't prevent me from crossing paths with one, living in fear of death won't prevent it from happening. So rather than focusing on the fear, I focus on the God who is bigger than it. I must focus on His truth that tells me that I am not to be afraid of anything but to pray about all things. (Philippians 4:6-7) Truth tells me that God is near to the brokenhearted. (Psalm 34:18) Truth tells me to be strong and courageous and to not be afraid or discouraged. (Joshua 1:8-9) It tells me to not be afraid of sudden disaster. (Proverbs 3:25-26) Truth tells me a woman of God laughs without fear of the future. (Proverbs 31:25) And truth tells me that if my loved ones have accepted the grace of Jesus Christ, I will see them again in Heaven. (1 Thessalonians 4:13-18, John 3:16)

Now that I have handed this fear over to God, I can move on without fear. God is enough for me, I just had to stop long enough to face the fear to be reminded. I am so thankful for Truth!

So whatever your fear is today, maybe today is the day you stop letting it chase you. Maybe today you can stop running, turn around, face it, and hand it over to God. You might have to do this over and over again. But eventually that fear will be fully replaced with Truth. Powerful, confident truth.

That Time I Worked for Hitler

I had a dream I worked for Hitler. True story.

I was Hitler's right-hand (wo)man. His partner in crime. His trusty sidekick. And I was so comfortable and believeably "safe" around him. I was accepted and taken care of and I had no fear. I may have been working for the most dangerous and powerful man alive and I may have been sitting comfortably next to the sin that he represented, but somehow I was completely "safe."

Until someone came to "rescue" me.

So there I was in the passenger seat of an old German jeep and we were racing away. I was so full of fear that this person had just placed us both in such danger. As I'm looking over my shoulder into the dark of night, I knew I "needed" to go back because surely Hitler would be after us! But I knew if I returned this man that had rescued me would undoubtedly be found and killed. But if I continued to run, we would both be found and meet our death together. I was stuck! Paralyzed by fear!

Now the most dangerous and powerful man alive was against me. Whether I returned or ran, he was after me or after my rescuer. There was no way out. There was no escape. Suddenly there was no "safe." What would I do?

I have no idea. Because at that point I woke up. Come on, wouldn't you?! What an awful dream!!

So I laid there covered in sweat (seriously, I had to go change clothes) and I was wide awake, wondering why on earth I just had such a terrible dream and pondering how the story would end. I had to know if I survived! Even if I had to make up my own ending, I had to know!

But here's the problem, I couldn't come up with an ending where both me and my rescuer survived. Even wide awake, with logic in tact, (as logical as one can be while pondering how to escape Hitler when it's 2016 outside...I know I'm sick in the head), I couldn't find a solution with a happy ending.

Well that's a terrible story now isn't it? I wouldn't suggest writing a book based on that dream. Or even retelling it to anyone. (Sorry you had to hear it) But don't turn away now!

Because in my middle-of-the-night despair, I talked to God about it (because seriously that dream was insane) and here's what He revealed. When the odds are all against me, and there is absolutely no logical way out, and my human brain can't come up with a solution, God can! God can rescue me! Woo Hoo! God saved me from Hitler! In 2016! And they all lived happily ever after. THE END. Ahhhh how sweet.

Okay, seriously, though. Here's how this all ties in to my life and yours. Stick around for just a minute.

Do you ever feel completely stuck in sin? Do you ever feel like there's no hope and there's no turning back now because the damage is done and you can't fathom living a different way and even though you know how you're living isn't right, you somehow feel "safe"?  No, just me? Fine, I'll admit it. I feel this way right stinking now! And I needed to hear from the most powerful man alive, the most powerful being of all time, the God of the universe, the Master of all, the Almighty, that He is bigger than my sin! That even though I can't see a way out, that I can't concoct the getaway plan on my own, He's got this! God is bigger than the Boogy Man! (Insert Veggie Tales song) God can help me STOP living life the way I am, He can show me an entirely new way and it's not too late!

Let's get real folks. Back to reality. This isn't a dream. Raw truth here.
I have no patience. None. Nada. Nonezo. And I don't understand the inner workings of my toddler and my preschooler. I don't logically understand why they don't understand logic. It might have something to do with their tinsy wintsy ages or developing brains, but when I've told them for the umpteenth time to "Stop doing such and such" and "Please do such and such" and they carry on like I am invisible, I get kinda angry. And I yell. I know I know, Satan has already told me a bagillion times how bad of a mom I am, you don't need to say it too. He reminds me every time I hear my preschooler yell at his sister or yell at his friends. "You taught him that. You're a terrible mother. This is how it's going to be forever. You will always yell. He will always yell. Because you taught him that. You're a terrible mother...." and on and on and on.

But then there are middle-of-the-night moments after dreaming about Hitler, when God comes in and says "I can show you the way out. You don't have to yell. Your kids can be shown a new way. I can teach you how to parent. You can learn patience. The Holy Spirit can help. We've got this". You mean to say, I don't have to have it all figured out, I just have to give it up and trust!? I just have to fill my mind and my spirit with TRUTH and follow God one step at a time and that's where I'm safe?! Amen! I think I found my true rescuer, my hero. ;)

"Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly." 

Proverbs 14:29

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." 

Proverbs 15:1

"Love covers a multitude of sins." 1 Peter 4:8

Marry Well

This is for my kids, but it's also for anyone not yet married.


For twenty-some years you will live your life unmarried.

You will learn and experience new things. You will sometimes conquer great feats and you will sometimes make mistakes and learn better ways, but know this-as an unmarried person, the decisions you make, the good ones and the bad ones, reflect mainly on you. They might reflect a little on us, but that's ok, that happens during raising, and we can handle it. But your decisions will say a lot about you and you alone...until you get married. This is a major game changer. Now everything you do directly reflects on your spouse. When you say "I do" you are vowing to become one person with your spouse and they are doing the same. So that person you choose, better be a choice you make well and it better be a choice you make once.

Marry once and marry well.

When you get married, you are promising that person, your family, and especially God that this is the person you are spending the rest of your life with.
Hear that, the rest of your God-given life, dude.
The. Rest. Of. Your. Life.
60+ years if you have it in you.
And every decision you make will affect that person. And vice-versa. Every decision they make affects you.

So if you marry someone that loves Jesus and has a humble heart that is constantly learning how to selflessly love and care for those God has entrusted them with (i.e. family first), then you got yourself a winner and someone you can live the next 60 years with.

But if you marry someone that cares for you as long as you meet their needs, or someone who will stick around as long as life is lived on their terms or someone who is willing to stay "married" just enough to avoid divorce, but will leave you in the dust to pursue their own dreams, then you got yourself a rough 60 years ahead my dear.

'Cuz you dang well better stick with it.

You made a promise to that person and when the goin' gets tough, there's no backing out. If you didn't marry well, then it's a long journey ahead- not impossible, but hard. Goodness, it's hard if you marry well! So don't make it any harder! We are imperfect human beings and compromising and communicating with someone that could quite possibly be your polar opposite is not an easy task. But when two people humbly, graciously, daily seek to do marriage God's way, it is a beautiful, rewarding adventure. But what a sad thing it is to see such an uneven balance where one person takes and takes, and they make decisions only to better themselves and achieve their agenda, and they don't invest in your marriage, and they short-change the kids you made together (yes you'll have kids stop saying you won't). Heartbreakingly sad.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

Be patient!  Wait for a person God has for you. Someone you can say that without a shadow of a doubt "That's a person God (and your mama) approves of." Don't marry someone because you can't control your hormones. Don't marry someone because you accidentally didn't control your hormones. Don't marry someone because they say they're "open to going to church someday". Don't marry someone because they are hott but lack a brain. Don't marry someone because they spend lots of money on you. Don't marry someone because you want to be their savior. Don't marry someone because they "understand you" and your parents don't. Especially that one because we may not understand you but we know that tool bag is not good enough for you. Don't marry for any reason that can't hold up for the next 60 years.

Marry someone because God has made it abundantly clear THIS is it. Because on those bad days, when you can't seem to get on the same page, you'll KNOW you'll get through it and it's worth fighting for because this is your "once" and and even though it doesn't feel "well" right now. It is and it will be.

Your dad and I are thankful that God sent a few on their way that we thought were marriage material. But by His grace, we got each other. And we married once. And oh my, we married well. I have a man who loves me with the full meaning of the word. He lets God teach him how to love me. He loves me when I don't deserve it, and he loves me when I am stubborn and stuck in my old ways, and he loves me when I mess up, and he loves me while I'm trying to figure things out. He communicates with me and we work through our problems. We fight for our marriage together and we make decisions that make our family healthier. That means keeping God as our first priority, then our marriage, then our kids, THEN our jobs, even if that job is ministry related. We both still mess up, believe me. And it reflects on both of us and it hurts both of us, but by God's grace we learn and grow together. When one of us is making decisions that are hurting our family, we do something about it together! I pray this is true for you someday because you chose to marry once and you chose to marry well.

Love, Mama

I Can Not Judge

I am thankful for my pain.

I am thankful for bad decisions, divorced parents, an absent alcoholic and now deceased dad, bad boyfriends, depression, an eating disorder, a colicky baby, an overactive toddler, marriage counseling, and multiple insecurities.

Because it makes me thankful for the grace I didn't deserve, the redemption I didn't know was possible, and the transformations that made me who I am.

I'm thankful for life. For all it's ups and downs, goods and bads. It breaks me heart I had to go through some of things I did, mostly because of poor, immature decisions, but they are what connects me to a broken and hurting world.

I am not better than anyone, whether I made good decisions or bad, I am no better. I am a sinner just like the rest of the world, and I am saved by the grace of God. I am forgiven. Daily. Moment by moment. I mess up-He shows me grace, love and mercy.

Because of this, I can not judge those around me. I can not judge when that young girl says she's "in love" with that guy I know is a complete loser. I can not judge when those newlyweds can't stop fighting over who cleans the bathroom and who takes out the trash. I can not judge when those first time parents tell me their baby is "the spawn of Satan" because they haven't slept in days and their baby hasn't stopped crying for hours. And I can not judge when that young pastor's wife is full of bitterness towards the church for turning their backs on her pain.

I can not judge.

But I can love.

I can love that poor confused sinner through the seemingly toughest time in their life. I can say to them, "I understand, how can I help?" instead of letting them feel the weight of another person's judgement on their weary soul. I can show up at their house and hold their screaming baby for one hour while they go breathe some fresh air and find the will power to fight through one more day. I can sit across from that young girl for hours as she talks about how the guy she thought loved her crushed her heart and I can tell her about how God has someone so much better in mind for her and it's worth the wait. I can offer truth to that young pastor's wife about how God never lets us down even though people will and His church, though full of imperfect people, is worth fighting for. I can talk to angry newlyweds about how to take care of their marriage and work as a team, fighting against Satan together, instead of each other.

I can love because He first loved me. 

1 John 4:19 

Because grace is all over my life. I won't pretend any different. I am not perfect. My life has not been perfect. But it's redeemed by a perfect God that wants the world to know His love.

"He comforts us in our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." 

2 Corinthians 1:4

Let Him comfort you. Give Him everything. All the hurt, all the pain, all your sin, all your temptations. Give it up.  Confess your sins to a trusted friend. You can't keep it all locked up inside. If you do, Satan will run you into the ground. Give it all to God and He'll run you into grace.

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." 

James 5:16

God can use your weaknesses, your mistakes and your pains to touch the hearts of the hurting people around you. Don't be afraid. Even if you have never experienced their hurt, sympathize with them. Don't judge them. They need your love. They need God's love. We all do.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, 

so that Christ's power may rest on me." 

2 Corinthians 12:9

Breaking up with Disordered Eating

This post was actually written 5 years ago this month. It was a turning point in my life. It was when I walked away from a three year eating disorder. I share it because I hope it inspires you, but I also hope it makes you smile. I share it lightheartedly to make the point that our struggles are not the end of the world for us. Our struggles are part of our journey and they make us stronger. When we take them to Jesus, they strengthen our relationship and dependence on Him. I am sharing this from "the other side" of this struggle. A place I pray those of you struggling with the same thing will find yourselves soon. I've got other struggles today that God and I are hashing out. I'm sure you'll hear about those at some point because we're about to kick Satan's arse in those areas too. ;)

Enjoy.

February 2011
Disordered eating has defined my life for as long as I can remember. No need to wade through the details, but take it for what it is. In the last year and a half, I have ventured through the latest of controlled eating, all-natural. This all per the influence of a good friend who found healing from her M.S. by eating completely natural for a year. With no drastic disease to tackle, but just another potential route to becoming America's Next Top Model, I jumped on this extremist wagon. I'd always naturally ventured to the polar ends anyways. This highly selective "way of life", we didn't dare call it the "D" word of course, when done perfectly would make you feel great, energetic and happy. But when even the smallest tid-bit of deliciousness was added to the concoction, all hell broke loose. Seriously. I would generally eat far too much because I had been deprived for so long. This would often times lead to a binge...and, though seldom as of lately but always quite possibly, resulted in a purge.  It was extremely difficult, extremely counter-cultural, and extremely stressful. Confused observers who thought us crazy, always seemed to share the same advice, "all things in moderation", but that strategy obviously held no power or true freedom for me, because I always seemed to turn it into "all things in mega-portion". Needless to say, it's time to get off this wagon.

After a year and a half of an "on again off again" relationship with All Natural, I'm not a pound lighter, not a smidge happier, and not a bit healthier than the average Joe who eats Frosted Flakes for breakfast, a Philly cheese steak sandwich for lunch, Dorritos at break, and pepperoni pizza for dinner with a Dr. Pepper to wash it down and a bowl of ice cream to satisfy his sweet tooth. We're in the same boat when you study the functionality and contentment of our intestines, because seriously, they're built to handle whatever the crap we shove through there; it all comes out looking the same. (Don't get me wrong though, that machine needs fiber to fuel its engines at maximum efficiency, so there's balance to be found.) But look at our minds and he's got me beat across the boards, because after eating that unsweetened oatmeal for breakfast, salad with no dressing for lunch, an apple at break, and a plain chicken breast with steamed asparagus for dinner with the last of my daily 64ounces of water to wash it down and a bowl of frozen cherries to toy with my sweet tooth, I'm trying to digest a mix of jealousy, self-pity and self-righteousness, while Joe there is rubbing his belly as it digests pure deliciousness and satisfaction. Being your average Joe doesn't look so bad does it?

I think that following Joe's lead, with my own personal twist on it, doesn't sound like a half-bad idea. I'm engaged to be married in less than four months, 105 days to be exact. And the guy I'm marrying is a lot like Joe. Believe me he's not average in all areas, because this guy is the most amazing guy in the world, and those trying for runner-up wouldn't even come close if God gave them an extra lifetime. But he is your average american when it comes to his menu selection, while at the same time being a "man of refined taste". What that means for me is, all-natural isn't going to work, and I've got some work to do in culinary class. Lately I've been thinking a lot about what our menu might look like as a married couple. Being the super-wife and homemaker I know I'm of course going to be :), I want this man satisfied when he leaves the dinner table. I say this not in a sexist or male-power sort of way, but in a "I'm madly in love with this guy and I want the food on the table to make sure he knows it!" kind of way.  Letting loose in this area and cooking meals that look more like what mama had the the table growing up, and less like you just pulled up the whole garden, gave it a rinse and slapped in on a plate, might work a little better to get my "I love you" message across. It's freeing, it's relaxing, it's way more me, and it's going to be way more "us." Him, being as amazing as he is, has been entirely supportive of my relationship with All-Natural, but I think he knows me well enough that there was no point in putting up a fight because he knew that relationship would never last. See why I love him? :)

So the other day, as I was pondering my official break-up with All-Natural and dreaming of my new life with down-home cooking, I found myself really wondering, will I ever be healed of disorded eating? What will happen to my body if I stock my kitchen with flour, cheese, cookies and the ever-forbidden 2% milk? Will I just binge and heaven forbid, get fat?! And whether it was me or that sweet voice from the heaven speaking, something inside of me said, "He'll heal you." That's it. "He'll heal you." This guy, the most amazing guy in the entire world, who loves me regardless of my merit, and thankfully regardless of my waist size, who has been my knight in shining armor, my handsome prince, and my superhero, will heal me. I can dream of a life where disorderd eating no longer defines me, because this guy, your average Joe when it comes to eating preferences, will help me see food for what it really is. It's not a monster, it doesn't need to control me and I don't have to control it. I just get to enjoy it, and he's gonna show me how, just by being who he is. Now that's a wagon I wanna be on, and never ever leave.

Let the fact be made very solidly known though, that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. God is my Father and the redeemer and sustainer of my life, and He is the one to receive all the glory for the chain of events in my life. He has been patient, loving, kind and gentle in my journey and he has provided for me every step of the way. Recently he has provided my most amazing fiancé, who has passion and vigor for life and who has joined forces with God, whom he passionately loves and follows, to bring me healing. I could not ask for more. God is so good, and He can use any means He wants to heal you too. Amen.

Cheesecake

Many blogs, including those I faithfully follow, always include recipes. And included in those recipes are usually 19-100 pictures documenting the step by step process necessary to make such delectables. Can I just be honest? Those drive me nuts. I tire of the endless scrolling past the slue of pictures just to get to the recipe. This is just me. I'm sure many people thoroughly enjoy the step by step for the beautiful art found in the angles and light showcasing the food. Or maybe some people aren't too experienced at cooking and find the pictures helpful so they can recreate the recipe themselves. I'm neither of those. Though I must admit, in starting a blog, I almost feel pressured that if I want to be successful or liked in the blogging world, I better dust off my camera and make up a good recipe to document for the world. Obviously I don't feel pressured enough because it ain't happening folks.

What I will do though, is tell you how I make a perfectly imperfect cheesecake. None of that no-bake sillyness, the baked in a springform pan kind!

It starts with spending 10 minutes trying to determine if 10-12 graham crackers means whole crackers or half, then throw your decided amount into a food processor. Add some melted butter and process until all crackers are moist. Press into a spring form pan and notice how dry your crust looks but decide you're too lazy to put it back in the food processor to add more butter. Place it in the fridge to cool.

Place two blocks of room temperature cream cheese in the cleaned food processor until it's smooth. Then add the vanilla and eggs. Promptly realize you were supposed to cream in the sugar before the vanilla and egg so add it at this time. Once smooth, add in the rest of your eggs. Pour mixture into your pan and notice how it hardly fills the pan. Re-read the recipe and realize that it was supposed to be two pounds of cream cheese, not two blocks.

Remove that third block you happen to have sitting in the fridge and decide you're too lazy to go to the store to buy a fourth. Place cream cheese in the microwave on defrost, remove and add to processor. Add in a little sugar (got it right this time), then a little vanilla, then another egg. Add this mixture to the mixture already in your pan and try to combine without destroying your dry crust.

Wrap bottom and sides of pan in your last remaining sheet of tin foil and place in a shallow broiler pan because you don't have a deep roasting pan like the recipe calls for.

Place this whole contraption in a 325 degree oven and then fill the broiler pan with water (while praying that it doesn't overflow the short sides of the small piece of tin foil you had to work with). Bake for one hour then turn the oven off and let it sit in there another hour.

Remove and let it come almost to room temperature (not entirely though because going to bed is more important). Place it in the fridge with saran wrap on top and let it chill for at least 8 hours.

When you're ready to serve, run a knife around the edge of the pan and then remove the side piece that I have no idea the name of. Place on serving plates and top with store-bought topping your choice.

Enjoy the oohs and ahhs of your guests because they have no idea how imperfect your process was to create this seemingly perfect masterpiece.

Leftovers beautifully presented in a plastic tub. 'Cuz that's how I roll.

See folks, imperfect works. It's quite perfect actually. We're all perfectly imperfect so stop worrying about having it all together and offer to the world what you have to give. God designed you perfectly with a purpose. He doesn't ask you to have it all together for Him or for other people. He wants you just as you are and He can do amazing things with your life if you let Him.

Directions out of a disorder

Round Two. And let me start by saying, Satan is already pissed. I wrote an entire blog post. And it didn't save. Hence proving:

This post, along with every other post on this blog, is going to raise the hairs on Satan's back. He is not pleased when Christian's announce victory over him. And that is exactly what I am doing here. And he will most definitely come at me. Maybe in this area, probably in another area of weakness so that I am caught off guard and I stumble. So I have to stay strong in the Word. I have to read it, and live it! I can't fight this battle with my own power alone. NONE of us can. I tried for far too long, and failed for far too long. Struggling with an eating disorder for three years was enough for me. My sins no longer stay locked up inside. I am perfectly imperfect. And there's no shame here. If I live as if I'm perfect and have no struggles then I have done nothing for the Kingdom. So here goes, folks. The truth for someone out there struggling with this.

First of all I say this with love and it might be hard to hear but the truth hurts sometimes. Choosing not to eat, bingeing, cutting, etc will not change life circumstances. And unfortunately it won't make people who we desire to love us, love us any more than they do. We can't control people, we can't control our circumstances, we are only in charge of ourselves and so we have to decide what we can do to live a fulfilled life regardless of the rest. Think on that for a bit. It's just the hard truth and it does help to understand it as part of the whole picture.

Now, whether we know God personally or not, He knows us. He created us. Each and every one of us and he loves us more than we can even understand. And so whether we believe it or not he is rooting for us and his heart breaks when we are in pain, especially when that pain could be alleviated if we let Him help us through the tough stuff and let him love on us the way we need to be loved.

With all that said, first step, decide that food is not the enemy and our bodies are not the enemy. Rid of the list of good food, bad food, fatty food, etc. and let food be food.
And Get rid of the scale! Don't even step on one. Never. Ever. Spend some time just listening to your body. What you want and what you don't want. How you feel, good and bad, comfortable or uncomfortable. Just pay attention to your signals.

And find something else to focus on or do with your time when you are stressed, angry, lonely or bored. Something you enjoy and can look forward to.

Hang with friends that are positive and supportive. Let people that you trust in on this struggle, don't try to fight it alone or in secret. You don't need to be ashamed. You are a real person with real struggles and everyone around you is no different they just might have different struggles.

And for the love, give God a chance. He freakin' loves you and His heart is broken for you. He knows your parents and your friends don't get it and that sucks. But they aren't perfect either. He is though so that's cool. And I get it. And I bet someone else out there does too. I hope this post gives us all the courage to speak up. Let's break Satan's strongholds together. Peace.

We're All Perfectly Imperfect

Everyone has at least one black hair. The really strong, ruthless black hair that grows back every time you pluck it, shave it, wax it or laser it. Okay, if you really just said to yourself "not me", then tell me about that obnoxious inch and a half blonde hair you found growing from your jawline the other day? Still saying "nope, not me", well then go to the bathroom, give yourself a close look-over in some good light, it's there believe me. Go. Seriously, I'll wait here.

This is good for you. It's humbling. Everyone's got at least one hair they can't beat (whether they know it or not and whether they admit it or not). It's what makes us human. And it's just more proof we aren't "perfect". But guess what, THAT'S OKAY! Because thanks to my gracious, loving, and perdy darn smart husband who introduced me to this, I have something to say about that.

WE'RE ALL PERFECTLY IMPERFECT.

"What does that mean?", you ask? Well let me explain. We humans, we can't be perfect on this earth. We just can't. We are to strive to be perfect as our Heavenly Father is perfect, which means we are to be as much like Jesus as we can, more-so everyday. But we will never be perfect as we were created to be until we are united with Jesus in Heaven. So while we are here on this earth, at this given moment, with all our strengths and weaknesses, goods and bads, sins and victories, we are as perfect as we are gonna get. We're perfectly imperfect. And we're perfectly loved by a perfect God. Regardless of what we do, what we did, what we look like, what we struggle with we are perfectly loved.

So I have an idea. What if we embraced that? What if we embraced the fact that we're all imperfect and so we have nothing to hide? What if there was no shame, no comparison, no secret footholds? What if you embraced who you are in your human entirety and just lived? What if you stopped hiding? What if?

Just an idea ;) But i'm runnin' with it. 'Cuz it's freeing. Try it.