Do they know I know they know?!

My Friends fans, do you remember "The one where everybody finds out"? This is the episode where everyone finds out about Monica and Chandler, and even though at nearly the same time, no one knows for sure who else knows or if they know that the others know; Hence the famous Phoebe quote,

This quote came to my mind recently as I was facing the truth that others can clearly see what a mess I am but I was wondering if it would make it sting less if they understood that I knew I was a mess.

"Do they know that I know that I'm a mess and I know they know?!" 

Because if they know I know, maybe they won't judge quite so hard. Maybe they'll ease up on me or even help me. Just wishful thinking, really, because the judgements hurt, especially when they're coming so heavy from inside me more than the outside. Because I see what a mess I am and I am hard enough on me for everyone. And I don't want to be seen for the mess I am. I don't want to be exposed. I don't want to be a mess.

But I am. Because the stuff God uses to mold and shape me into the person he wants me to be, is hard. And I usually fall and crawl before I stand and fight. Growing is hard. It hurts. And for me, it's embarrassing, because I wear it all on my sleeve. I can't hide, as much as I want to so that I'm not exposed for my weaknesses, I just can't hide. And some part of me doesn't want to hide. A part of me wants to be completely known, and completely loved. But the other part of me is scared because I don't know if I'll be loved...or left.

So I find myself at the point where I put my hands in the air and just own it. In admitting my faults, my struggles, my weaknesses, my mess, I let everyone "know I know they know". Because hiding just makes it worse.

So that's why I admitted that "momming" is so hard for me. I have never had much for examples to follow in life. And I knew I wasn't ready for kids but God knew that kids would be one of those hard things that He would use to mold and shape me and He knew that I would love them more than I even knew was possible. I've just been in more of the falling and crawling stage, so I'm trying to stand and fight, but I'm grasping for armor at this point. I don't know what I'm doing and my kids need me to. I've tried this and that to understand them and do what's best for them but soon as I find something that works, I fall again. I get excited that maybe just maybe I figured this thing out and we're gonna smooth sail from here, but these kids prove me wrong. Every. Time.

There's no smooth sailing in parenting, or life for that matter. We've gotta stay ON. Satan loves it when we cast our sails of pride and lay back with our chest puffed. He loves that. But unfortunately for him, when he attacks again, though he may win momentarily as I fall and crawl yet again, he reminds me how much I need Jesus to stand and fight.

And when I confess to those around me that I know I'm a mess and I know they know, I am reminded that I'm not alone. And I am loved. There are others who have gone before me that were a mess like me and they pressed on. And there are others fighting beside me and we press on, together.
I'm so glad I know they know I know.

"Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 

2 Corinthians 12:9-11