Renewal vs. Restoration

My Wifey and I recently restored an old dresser to utilize it as our entertainment center.  We are planning to make a concrete top but while we wait for the time to do that project there is still this atrocious lime green top.  It throws the whole thing off. When you look at it you can see all the hard work and a beautiful deep blue entertainment center with a hideous scratched up top. I mean this dresser was the changing table for both our little ones, it has made it through every house purchase and sequential move.  We weren’t ready to dispose of it but rather for us the goal was/is to restore this dresser or bring back what was once good. 

            I’ve been in this process in my own life for a long time.  This process of restoration.  Only until the past few weeks have I realized that restoration is not possible.   To restore means that there was once good inside of me and that I’m able to work harder to bring that back to the surface.  Only after reading and rereading Colossians 3:1-17 have I noticed that I’m going at this all wrong.  For the past 8 years of my Christian walk I’ve been trying to do what God has already done.  You see God does not restore; He renews. He wipes clean the dirt and makes me new again, fresh and ready to face the day despite my past conditions. Paul calls us to put to death our old self and in verse 10 “Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him.”  

Why is renewal so difficult? I mean when I realize that God is doing the work I just need to learn to know Him better it seems so simple.  Truth be told the dresser I restored just got a new paint job, some baskets and handles, the old paint is still there.  It’s just hidden until a scratch shows its true nature.  I’ve lived long enough with a new paint job.  I want to be fully renewed and that means all of my past needs to be put to death and my present and future is devoted to learning to know God better through prayer, reading his word, silence and solitude, living faith in action and loving the people God has given me.  My desire is that this renewal is a celebration of Christs victory over sin and my life becomes a reflection of that victory!

From the thoughts of a new creation.

Let's do this, June!

Six solid months into 2017 and I am OUT. OF. SHAPE. I hurt my knee as I closed out 2016 and it threw me off to say the least. My workouts dropped from 3-4 times a week to none for a few weeks, then one per week because of the pain that followed, then some weeks none again. June 1st arrived and I eyed the calendar with a look of shock and then the mirror with a look of horror. How did this happen?! 6 months had gone by and I had lost every bit of progress I worked so hard for in 2016. My goal for 2016 was to get stronger-emotionally, spiritually and physically. And I did. As Christmas arrived, I was fitting into a size 6, could do 30 pushups off my knees and kept up with the fastest and strongest in my classes. I had walked through some hard stuff emotionally and came out stronger and more well-balanced, and I had spent oodles amounts of time with God, learning, growing and strengthening my faith.

Then came January 2017, then February, March and on and on.  I kept telling myself I would get back on track-that my schedule would fall into place, that I would get back to the gym. But even though I'd visit the gym once a week, if that, it wasn't a schedule or a routine at all. And since that was out of whack, the rest of my days were as well. I wasn't getting my hour in the afternoon with God and because I wasn't getting that, I wasn't addressing my emotional needs with Him. Hence, the reason I looked at the calendar on June 1st with such shock.

So here I am, June 13th, 2017, and 2 days in to getting back into shape. And. I. Hurt. My legs are threatening to give out on me, I walk like something is stuck between my buttcheeks and I demand to keep it there and I physically cringe at the sight of stairs. My three year old, who claims it "hurts to walk" and has no idea what that truly feels like, continues to throw all her 30 pounds into my arms to be carried just to punish me I'm sure. I snap, crackle and pop when I manage to push my limp, sore body out of a chair and I'm terrified of sneezing or coughing because there's a good chance my abs might literally disintegrate in front of me. Yes, I'm whining and complaining. Because this sucks. But my goal for June 2017 is to get back in shape! And I am! Because I will not look with shock upon the month of July! And hopefully, fingers crossed, not look upon the mirror with horror.

So me and Jesus. We're getting back in shape, too. I sure tried to be near Him the past 6 months-on my terms and my time, however little that would be, but that just does not work, for any relationship, especially one with Jesus. This love relationship takes TIME and it's worth every precious minute. I miss hearing His sweet voice,  His direction and even His re-direction. But let me tell you, Satan does not like this Sam I am. He does not like it at all. My goal was and is to rise and shine by 7am every morning to spend at least 30 minutes with God before the children arise. This means I would have to close my eyes by 11 each night to get a full 8 hours of sleep. What a seemingly easy goal to acquire! Most people with jobs outside the home go to sleep long before this, and awake long before! So I'm not asking for much here! But there has been so much happening after 10pm that I just can't miss! Nothing too important of course, but at 10pm I have no resolve, so what is a stupid reason to stay awake, becomes so utterly important I just can't say no. Another episode of Nashville-I need to catch up so I can watch in real time! Another episode of Parks and Rec-we just need to get the dog-gone thing over with already so we can move on! Cleaning the kitchen-it surely can't be done in the morning, it will start my day off wrong! (And that's my time with Jesus of course!) So when the clock strikes 12, I may turn into a pumpkin, but you bet I'm gonna embrace that pumpkin because, again, no resolve. 7 short hours later the alarm goes off...oh I just need 10 more minutes, snooze. Beep beep beep! Snooze. Beep beep beep! Shut up phone! 7:45...crap the kids are up! Rush to get dressed, make coffee, feed the kids, kiss the hubs, bring on the day, sorry Jesus, I'll catch you this afternoon. Afternoon arrives, and that floor really needs vacuumed, I have to get that phone call made, the office closes at 5, oh I forgot to get the meat out of the freezer for dinner, this bathroom smells like urine, I must clean it now, oh hi kids, rest time is over already, on with the evening, sorry Jesus, I'll catch you tomorrow. UGH! Satan and exercise can go eat worms.

Tomorrow is June 14th. I'm going to bed tonight at 10:30pm, I'm waking at 7am, not a single snooze, I'm spending 30 minutes with Jesus, at least, I'm going to the gym, no matter how sore I am, and I'm kicking Satan in the teeth. Getting back in shape, emotionally, physically and spiritually is not easy. But it's worth it. Let's do this, June.

Writing. For me. Sort of.

I have gotten so far away from the kind of writing that I know I need. I have tried to journal, but I seriously can't write fast enough to get my thoughts down. I had...well...have the goal to blog once this month. It used to be my goal to blog once a week. But other things have taken over, or rather I just haven't made this a priority. I was supposed to write every Tuesday in order to spend time doing something I enjoy. It's hard though, because I've reached a block. I no longer know what to say, or why to say it, or who I'm even saying it to. I got off of Facebook this month, for good and without that avenue, I have no way of largely, obnoxiously announcing my attempt at writing-disguised as that so as not to be obvious of my need for approval. Just being honest. So I know no one will read it, but I tell myself it's not for them. Sort of. Because many of the things I write are for other people. I want them to know hope and I want them to know my story because it might inspire them in some way. But on the other hand, I can't be writing for approval because that's not where my value comes from. I have been in love with Jesus for 16 years now, half my life. And I still struggle to place my value in Him, and not what the world thinks of me. This is such basic concept that should have stuck years ago. Ugh.

Nonetheless, here I am, writing. And for now, just for me. Just to see if there's something here. To see if this is a good avenue for me to process life. Sometimes I can be funny and if you know me in person, I really mean sometimes. Most the time I enjoy a meaningful conversation over one riddled with humor, but I absolutely won't pass up a chance to slip a semi-humorous comment in here and there or tell a story from a more silly rather than serious angle. So in blogging, I can't say that I will ever truly be entertaining, though I wish I could be, much like a role model and woman crush of mine. Ahem Jen Hatmaker. But I can't be someone else on paper that I am not in real life. So I must be okay with this. I must remind myself again, I don't write for others, I write for me. Sort of. ha