Proving myself to myself.

I rode my bike for the first time in a long time. Jumped on and rode around a bit to warm up then kicked it into high gear to really get my gears turning.  You see I needed to ponder but wasn’t sure what was stirring around in my brain.  As I rode down the gravel near the house I just kept pushing harder and harder.  My heart rate increased, my breath became heavy and my legs burned. I had to push… to see how far I could go… how out of practice I was or maybe it was to see if I still could I don’t know.  What I do know is that 3 miles in I lost it and by it I mean breakfast and lunch. I calmed myself down and rode home slower and a little more rhythmically and that’s when my brain stopped stirring. My thoughts became clearer as I focused my pondering on my need to prove myself.

Not having to prove myself to others makes a lot of sense; I am who I am, what you see is what you get. However, proving myself to myself? Isn't this the route of ambition. Isn't it what gets us out of our comfort zones and causes improvement in our own lives? If we only do what we are comfortable with, then we won't take risks and wind up stuck in our own comfy self-centered little worlds. I’m not ok with this. Yet I’m not sure where to go now.

Renewal vs. Restoration

My Wifey and I recently restored an old dresser to utilize it as our entertainment center.  We are planning to make a concrete top but while we wait for the time to do that project there is still this atrocious lime green top.  It throws the whole thing off. When you look at it you can see all the hard work and a beautiful deep blue entertainment center with a hideous scratched up top. I mean this dresser was the changing table for both our little ones, it has made it through every house purchase and sequential move.  We weren’t ready to dispose of it but rather for us the goal was/is to restore this dresser or bring back what was once good. 

            I’ve been in this process in my own life for a long time.  This process of restoration.  Only until the past few weeks have I realized that restoration is not possible.   To restore means that there was once good inside of me and that I’m able to work harder to bring that back to the surface.  Only after reading and rereading Colossians 3:1-17 have I noticed that I’m going at this all wrong.  For the past 8 years of my Christian walk I’ve been trying to do what God has already done.  You see God does not restore; He renews. He wipes clean the dirt and makes me new again, fresh and ready to face the day despite my past conditions. Paul calls us to put to death our old self and in verse 10 “Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him.”  

Why is renewal so difficult? I mean when I realize that God is doing the work I just need to learn to know Him better it seems so simple.  Truth be told the dresser I restored just got a new paint job, some baskets and handles, the old paint is still there.  It’s just hidden until a scratch shows its true nature.  I’ve lived long enough with a new paint job.  I want to be fully renewed and that means all of my past needs to be put to death and my present and future is devoted to learning to know God better through prayer, reading his word, silence and solitude, living faith in action and loving the people God has given me.  My desire is that this renewal is a celebration of Christs victory over sin and my life becomes a reflection of that victory!

From the thoughts of a new creation.

Let's do this, June!

Six solid months into 2017 and I am OUT. OF. SHAPE. I hurt my knee as I closed out 2016 and it threw me off to say the least. My workouts dropped from 3-4 times a week to none for a few weeks, then one per week because of the pain that followed, then some weeks none again. June 1st arrived and I eyed the calendar with a look of shock and then the mirror with a look of horror. How did this happen?! 6 months had gone by and I had lost every bit of progress I worked so hard for in 2016. My goal for 2016 was to get stronger-emotionally, spiritually and physically. And I did. As Christmas arrived, I was fitting into a size 6, could do 30 pushups off my knees and kept up with the fastest and strongest in my classes. I had walked through some hard stuff emotionally and came out stronger and more well-balanced, and I had spent oodles amounts of time with God, learning, growing and strengthening my faith.

Then came January 2017, then February, March and on and on.  I kept telling myself I would get back on track-that my schedule would fall into place, that I would get back to the gym. But even though I'd visit the gym once a week, if that, it wasn't a schedule or a routine at all. And since that was out of whack, the rest of my days were as well. I wasn't getting my hour in the afternoon with God and because I wasn't getting that, I wasn't addressing my emotional needs with Him. Hence, the reason I looked at the calendar on June 1st with such shock.

So here I am, June 13th, 2017, and 2 days in to getting back into shape. And. I. Hurt. My legs are threatening to give out on me, I walk like something is stuck between my buttcheeks and I demand to keep it there and I physically cringe at the sight of stairs. My three year old, who claims it "hurts to walk" and has no idea what that truly feels like, continues to throw all her 30 pounds into my arms to be carried just to punish me I'm sure. I snap, crackle and pop when I manage to push my limp, sore body out of a chair and I'm terrified of sneezing or coughing because there's a good chance my abs might literally disintegrate in front of me. Yes, I'm whining and complaining. Because this sucks. But my goal for June 2017 is to get back in shape! And I am! Because I will not look with shock upon the month of July! And hopefully, fingers crossed, not look upon the mirror with horror.

So me and Jesus. We're getting back in shape, too. I sure tried to be near Him the past 6 months-on my terms and my time, however little that would be, but that just does not work, for any relationship, especially one with Jesus. This love relationship takes TIME and it's worth every precious minute. I miss hearing His sweet voice,  His direction and even His re-direction. But let me tell you, Satan does not like this Sam I am. He does not like it at all. My goal was and is to rise and shine by 7am every morning to spend at least 30 minutes with God before the children arise. This means I would have to close my eyes by 11 each night to get a full 8 hours of sleep. What a seemingly easy goal to acquire! Most people with jobs outside the home go to sleep long before this, and awake long before! So I'm not asking for much here! But there has been so much happening after 10pm that I just can't miss! Nothing too important of course, but at 10pm I have no resolve, so what is a stupid reason to stay awake, becomes so utterly important I just can't say no. Another episode of Nashville-I need to catch up so I can watch in real time! Another episode of Parks and Rec-we just need to get the dog-gone thing over with already so we can move on! Cleaning the kitchen-it surely can't be done in the morning, it will start my day off wrong! (And that's my time with Jesus of course!) So when the clock strikes 12, I may turn into a pumpkin, but you bet I'm gonna embrace that pumpkin because, again, no resolve. 7 short hours later the alarm goes off...oh I just need 10 more minutes, snooze. Beep beep beep! Snooze. Beep beep beep! Shut up phone! 7:45...crap the kids are up! Rush to get dressed, make coffee, feed the kids, kiss the hubs, bring on the day, sorry Jesus, I'll catch you this afternoon. Afternoon arrives, and that floor really needs vacuumed, I have to get that phone call made, the office closes at 5, oh I forgot to get the meat out of the freezer for dinner, this bathroom smells like urine, I must clean it now, oh hi kids, rest time is over already, on with the evening, sorry Jesus, I'll catch you tomorrow. UGH! Satan and exercise can go eat worms.

Tomorrow is June 14th. I'm going to bed tonight at 10:30pm, I'm waking at 7am, not a single snooze, I'm spending 30 minutes with Jesus, at least, I'm going to the gym, no matter how sore I am, and I'm kicking Satan in the teeth. Getting back in shape, emotionally, physically and spiritually is not easy. But it's worth it. Let's do this, June.

Writing. For me. Sort of.

I have gotten so far away from the kind of writing that I know I need. I have tried to journal, but I seriously can't write fast enough to get my thoughts down. I had...well...have the goal to blog once this month. It used to be my goal to blog once a week. But other things have taken over, or rather I just haven't made this a priority. I was supposed to write every Tuesday in order to spend time doing something I enjoy. It's hard though, because I've reached a block. I no longer know what to say, or why to say it, or who I'm even saying it to. I got off of Facebook this month, for good and without that avenue, I have no way of largely, obnoxiously announcing my attempt at writing-disguised as that so as not to be obvious of my need for approval. Just being honest. So I know no one will read it, but I tell myself it's not for them. Sort of. Because many of the things I write are for other people. I want them to know hope and I want them to know my story because it might inspire them in some way. But on the other hand, I can't be writing for approval because that's not where my value comes from. I have been in love with Jesus for 16 years now, half my life. And I still struggle to place my value in Him, and not what the world thinks of me. This is such basic concept that should have stuck years ago. Ugh.

Nonetheless, here I am, writing. And for now, just for me. Just to see if there's something here. To see if this is a good avenue for me to process life. Sometimes I can be funny and if you know me in person, I really mean sometimes. Most the time I enjoy a meaningful conversation over one riddled with humor, but I absolutely won't pass up a chance to slip a semi-humorous comment in here and there or tell a story from a more silly rather than serious angle. So in blogging, I can't say that I will ever truly be entertaining, though I wish I could be, much like a role model and woman crush of mine. Ahem Jen Hatmaker. But I can't be someone else on paper that I am not in real life. So I must be okay with this. I must remind myself again, I don't write for others, I write for me. Sort of. ha

Goerke Christmas Letter 2016

Hello friends and family and Merry Christmas!

Writing to you from Lincoln, Nebraska this year! The place Cody said he'd "never" move to because among his other reasons, it has no mountains. But God and I don't care if Nebraska has mountains or not, and little did Cody know, he wouldn't mind either. It's home now. Nebraska welcomed us last winter with a heavy snow just a couple days after moving in to our rental house. The kids and I enjoyed watching Cody scoop snow for what seemed like the umpteenth time. It was kind of comical- it just kept coming down and covering his freshly scooped path in thick white. Little different from Southern Missouri snow dustings. Our rental had a steep back yard that proved perfect for our kiddos to gleefully sled down and enough flat ground to build their first real snowman. It was wonderful.

We landed in Lincoln last winter when Cody was offered the position as Middle School Pastor at North Pointe Community Church. This church (not ironically because God is cool like this), is the church I was fortunate enough to serve at all through college as a youth leader and under the same leadership that Cody now works with. Pretty cool the way God works. Cody fits so well in this position and we are thrilled to be closer to grandparents too, though the kids still receive much love from Grandma Sandy and Pop in Missouri! Not only do we see them more, mom and dad are thankful for the respite they offer! Grandma Kristie, who's one hour north in Omaha, kept the kids for a week in the spring while we vacationed to Jamaica as a celebration of 5 years of marriage, and Grandma Ruth and PaPa (Larry), who are two and half hours southeast in Missouri, will keep them while we travel to Haiti on a mission trip right after Christmas this year. As 2016 opened up, we had no idea we'd be wrapping it up in Haiti. God knew all along and has big plans for what we're about to learn so we are looking forward to it and are thankful for His provision.

All that snow scooping last winter must have gotten Cody in shape to pursue an item on his bucket list. Come spring he signed up for the Good Life Halfsy held in November. He trained (or something like that) and completed the whole 13.1 miles with a smile on his face. The kids and I had fun cheering him on.

The kids have just exploded in growth this year. Phoenix turned two in April and refused to talk until summer, after we had her hearing screened. Twice. So come June, she started talking in full and complete sentences just to rub it in. We then embarked on the potty training adventure in the fall and of course she didn't make it easy on us. We backed off, switched to pull-ups, and can you guess what happened? Yeah, she's potty trained now. On. Her. Terms. Good thing about Phoenix though, she loves as much as she is stubborn. She's my cuddle bug, lover bug, and cutie pie. But don't call her that. She's Phoenix!

Cody rebuilt a cool little 12 inch bike for Xander last year and this spring we got all excited to teach him how to ride it without the training wheels. Cody took them off and Xander "took off"! Rode down the sidewalk, turned around and came back! We shouldn't have been surprised, that's Xander. By his fourth birthday in September, he was riding a 16 inch bike and doing back flips on the neighbor's trampoline. This kid's going places and he'll make every single person smile and laugh on his way there. He's pure joy and energy.

Cody's younger brother married in October. Cody was the best man and the kids were the sign bearer and flower girl.  They traveled for at least 14 hours, walked down the aisle, swam their hearts out a the hotel pool, stayed up way passed bed time and throughout it all did perfectly awesome. Even Cody. :P Miracles happen, people.

We took on the adventure of tent camping this year. Our family went twice with Cody's parents and stayed close to their nest until we stretched our own wings and went all by our big bad selves to Branched Oak, a whole 20 minutes north of our house. All went well, minus having to walk a queen sized air mattress over to an unoccupied electric site to air it up and shamelessly walk across camp with our aircraft over our heads, only to have it deflate overnight. This is my doing. Cody's a good man tending to the needs of the woman who birthed his two children and can no longer sleep on hard ground. Camping is a blast for our family, though. We look forward to many more memories being made.

After working as a Speech Pathology Assistant full time in Joplin from 2014-2015 and loving it, I still dreamed of staying home with the kids again. I'm thankful Cody works so hard to make this possible. We have fun at the children's zoo and museum, swimming, going to the Y, having play dates with new friends, and just enjoying a slow pace at home. I did cover a Speech Pathology maternity leave part time in the Spring to help with our vacation and because I really enjoy doing speech therapy. We're not sure if I'll pursue that again after the kids are in school or what but we have time to decide. Xander will most likely attend preschool part time next year and Kindergarten in 2018, with Phoenix only one year behind him! We are savoring this time!

We are heading into this winter in our new house we purchased right before Halloween. We waited to buy until we figured out Lincoln and started breathing again from the sticker shock! Another little difference from Southern Missouri. Soon after moving in we took on a project of restoring a 1937 Duncan Phyfe table and chairs in order to be able to host large groups like we love. There was awhile there where it looked like an alien massacre took place in our garage with the chemical stripping turning dark red stain and varnish into a hideous looking goo. There was no containing it so the garbage can had red stains all over it. Not sure what the garbage men think of the new owners of 1708 NW Flader Ct, but cops haven't checked in to us yet so we must be in the clear. Either that, or the men are covering for us. It was recently replaced with a bright yellow trash can. hmmm? Not sure how many times we about turned back and sold the whole thing off, but we finished it and it's absolutely beautiful. We've discovered we really love projects though, and come 2017, we will be tackling our unfinished basement. Give us a call or stop by and see how our marriage is doing. HA! We have different ideas when it comes to these things-it's our nature as polar opposites, but just as in every aspect of marriage, when we balance each other, the result is beautiful. I love how God designed that.

After five years of roasting just enough coffee for ourselves in a popcorn popper, we got ourselves a real roaster and are in business! SimpliCity+ Coffee is taking orders to keep you awake in 2017! USPS charges an extra arm and a leg though for shipping so local orders only at this time. But we'd love to see you so stop by and get yourself a fresh roasted bag and stay around to play games and have a cup, or ten. Hang around long enough to give us a hand in the basement too, sooner it's done, sooner you'll have a bedroom when you come stay! :D

We pray you and your family are happy and healthy and learning new things about God's best for you daily. He is truly wonderful and we give Him all the glory for the journey behind us and the adventure before us. We're sincerely glad you're a part of that.

With love,

The Goerkes

Preparing for answered prayer

Never pray something you aren't completely serious about and prepared to handle the answer. If you pray for patience-prepare to face every situation possible that tests your patience. And if you pray to learn to rely on God in a completely new way than ever before-prepare to be stripped of everything you rely on other than Him. Little did I know the danger in the prayer I prayed two months ago. But God is faithful-He will never leave me or forsake me.

8/6/2016
God help me transfer all the rejection coming my way to you. It piles up daily. But you can handle it. You are enough. You know what rejection feels like so you know exactly what I am going through. I may be despised and rejected by others but not by you. You are good and you created me. You love me just the way I am. If I go through this life with not a single friend, you are enough. You are my hope. You are my everything. I pray that I bring every hurt and every frustration and every one of my own sins to you so that I do not shoulder them alone. I pray I learn to rely on you in a completely new way than I ever have before. I don't need acceptance on this earth as long as I have you. Thank you for being consistent and persistent in your relationship with me. I humble myself before you knowing that I don't deserve you but proclaim the truth that you have chosen me as your own. I am your daughter and you are my father and my King. I love you. Help me through this journey to independence from others and full dependence on you.

Bitter wine. Bitter lessons.

The wine is dry and bitter tonight.
Not my preference.
But tonight dry and bitter is fitting.

2016. The year of humility.
Learning to lower myself and stripping my pride.
2016. The year of becoming stronger.
Learning to stretch and strengthen spiritually, mentally, physically.
2016. The year of letting go.
Learning to lean completely on God and none other.
2016. What a beautiful one you are.
But these lessons are not like sweet white wine.
These lessons taste dry and bitter.
And I love them.
I need them.
Over and over again.
Until the lessons are learned.
Until I am humble, strong, and dependent on God alone.
Day by day, God, you gently teach me...again.
I did not grasp the lesson yesterday.
And so today we start again.
And I see you.
I feel you.
I know you love me.
Enough.
Enough to cover for all I put in your place.
And it's all stripping away.
Yet it's not all gone.
The grasping, the pride, the weakness.
So tomorrow I will learn again.
Until I get it.
Until no one but you stands on my altar.
Until no pride remains.
Until I rest in the shadow of your wings.
Until I find refuge in you alone.
YOU are my rock.
YOU alone.
YOU.