This post was actually written 5 years ago this month. It was a turning point in my life. It was when I walked away from a three year eating disorder. I share it because I hope it inspires you, but I also hope it makes you smile. I share it lightheartedly to make the point that our struggles are not the end of the world for us. Our struggles are part of our journey and they make us stronger. When we take them to Jesus, they strengthen our relationship and dependence on Him. I am sharing this from "the other side" of this struggle. A place I pray those of you struggling with the same thing will find yourselves soon. I've got other struggles today that God and I are hashing out. I'm sure you'll hear about those at some point because we're about to kick Satan's arse in those areas too. ;)
Enjoy.
February 2011
Disordered eating has defined my life for as long as I can remember. No need to wade through the details, but take it for what it is. In the last year and a half, I have ventured through the latest of controlled eating, all-natural. This all per the influence of a good friend who found healing from her M.S. by eating completely natural for a year. With no drastic disease to tackle, but just another potential route to becoming America's Next Top Model, I jumped on this extremist wagon. I'd always naturally ventured to the polar ends anyways. This highly selective "way of life", we didn't dare call it the "D" word of course, when done perfectly would make you feel great, energetic and happy. But when even the smallest tid-bit of deliciousness was added to the concoction, all hell broke loose. Seriously. I would generally eat far too much because I had been deprived for so long. This would often times lead to a binge...and, though seldom as of lately but always quite possibly, resulted in a purge. It was extremely difficult, extremely counter-cultural, and extremely stressful. Confused observers who thought us crazy, always seemed to share the same advice, "all things in moderation", but that strategy obviously held no power or true freedom for me, because I always seemed to turn it into "all things in mega-portion". Needless to say, it's time to get off this wagon.
After a year and a half of an "on again off again" relationship with All Natural, I'm not a pound lighter, not a smidge happier, and not a bit healthier than the average Joe who eats Frosted Flakes for breakfast, a Philly cheese steak sandwich for lunch, Dorritos at break, and pepperoni pizza for dinner with a Dr. Pepper to wash it down and a bowl of ice cream to satisfy his sweet tooth. We're in the same boat when you study the functionality and contentment of our intestines, because seriously, they're built to handle whatever the crap we shove through there; it all comes out looking the same. (Don't get me wrong though, that machine needs fiber to fuel its engines at maximum efficiency, so there's balance to be found.) But look at our minds and he's got me beat across the boards, because after eating that unsweetened oatmeal for breakfast, salad with no dressing for lunch, an apple at break, and a plain chicken breast with steamed asparagus for dinner with the last of my daily 64ounces of water to wash it down and a bowl of frozen cherries to toy with my sweet tooth, I'm trying to digest a mix of jealousy, self-pity and self-righteousness, while Joe there is rubbing his belly as it digests pure deliciousness and satisfaction. Being your average Joe doesn't look so bad does it?
I think that following Joe's lead, with my own personal twist on it, doesn't sound like a half-bad idea. I'm engaged to be married in less than four months, 105 days to be exact. And the guy I'm marrying is a lot like Joe. Believe me he's not average in all areas, because this guy is the most amazing guy in the world, and those trying for runner-up wouldn't even come close if God gave them an extra lifetime. But he is your average american when it comes to his menu selection, while at the same time being a "man of refined taste". What that means for me is, all-natural isn't going to work, and I've got some work to do in culinary class. Lately I've been thinking a lot about what our menu might look like as a married couple. Being the super-wife and homemaker I know I'm of course going to be :), I want this man satisfied when he leaves the dinner table. I say this not in a sexist or male-power sort of way, but in a "I'm madly in love with this guy and I want the food on the table to make sure he knows it!" kind of way. Letting loose in this area and cooking meals that look more like what mama had the the table growing up, and less like you just pulled up the whole garden, gave it a rinse and slapped in on a plate, might work a little better to get my "I love you" message across. It's freeing, it's relaxing, it's way more me, and it's going to be way more "us." Him, being as amazing as he is, has been entirely supportive of my relationship with All-Natural, but I think he knows me well enough that there was no point in putting up a fight because he knew that relationship would never last. See why I love him? :)
So the other day, as I was pondering my official break-up with All-Natural and dreaming of my new life with down-home cooking, I found myself really wondering, will I ever be healed of disorded eating? What will happen to my body if I stock my kitchen with flour, cheese, cookies and the ever-forbidden 2% milk? Will I just binge and heaven forbid, get fat?! And whether it was me or that sweet voice from the heaven speaking, something inside of me said, "He'll heal you." That's it. "He'll heal you." This guy, the most amazing guy in the entire world, who loves me regardless of my merit, and thankfully regardless of my waist size, who has been my knight in shining armor, my handsome prince, and my superhero, will heal me. I can dream of a life where disorderd eating no longer defines me, because this guy, your average Joe when it comes to eating preferences, will help me see food for what it really is. It's not a monster, it doesn't need to control me and I don't have to control it. I just get to enjoy it, and he's gonna show me how, just by being who he is. Now that's a wagon I wanna be on, and never ever leave.
Let the fact be made very solidly known though, that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. God is my Father and the redeemer and sustainer of my life, and He is the one to receive all the glory for the chain of events in my life. He has been patient, loving, kind and gentle in my journey and he has provided for me every step of the way. Recently he has provided my most amazing fiancé, who has passion and vigor for life and who has joined forces with God, whom he passionately loves and follows, to bring me healing. I could not ask for more. God is so good, and He can use any means He wants to heal you too. Amen.
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
Cheesecake
Many blogs, including those I faithfully follow, always include recipes. And included in those recipes are usually 19-100 pictures documenting the step by step process necessary to make such delectables. Can I just be honest? Those drive me nuts. I tire of the endless scrolling past the slue of pictures just to get to the recipe. This is just me. I'm sure many people thoroughly enjoy the step by step for the beautiful art found in the angles and light showcasing the food. Or maybe some people aren't too experienced at cooking and find the pictures helpful so they can recreate the recipe themselves. I'm neither of those. Though I must admit, in starting a blog, I almost feel pressured that if I want to be successful or liked in the blogging world, I better dust off my camera and make up a good recipe to document for the world. Obviously I don't feel pressured enough because it ain't happening folks.
What I will do though, is tell you how I make a perfectly imperfect cheesecake. None of that no-bake sillyness, the baked in a springform pan kind!
It starts with spending 10 minutes trying to determine if 10-12 graham crackers means whole crackers or half, then throw your decided amount into a food processor. Add some melted butter and process until all crackers are moist. Press into a spring form pan and notice how dry your crust looks but decide you're too lazy to put it back in the food processor to add more butter. Place it in the fridge to cool.
Place two blocks of room temperature cream cheese in the cleaned food processor until it's smooth. Then add the vanilla and eggs. Promptly realize you were supposed to cream in the sugar before the vanilla and egg so add it at this time. Once smooth, add in the rest of your eggs. Pour mixture into your pan and notice how it hardly fills the pan. Re-read the recipe and realize that it was supposed to be two pounds of cream cheese, not two blocks.
Remove that third block you happen to have sitting in the fridge and decide you're too lazy to go to the store to buy a fourth. Place cream cheese in the microwave on defrost, remove and add to processor. Add in a little sugar (got it right this time), then a little vanilla, then another egg. Add this mixture to the mixture already in your pan and try to combine without destroying your dry crust.
Wrap bottom and sides of pan in your last remaining sheet of tin foil and place in a shallow broiler pan because you don't have a deep roasting pan like the recipe calls for.
Place this whole contraption in a 325 degree oven and then fill the broiler pan with water (while praying that it doesn't overflow the short sides of the small piece of tin foil you had to work with). Bake for one hour then turn the oven off and let it sit in there another hour.
Remove and let it come almost to room temperature (not entirely though because going to bed is more important). Place it in the fridge with saran wrap on top and let it chill for at least 8 hours.
When you're ready to serve, run a knife around the edge of the pan and then remove the side piece that I have no idea the name of. Place on serving plates and top with store-bought topping your choice.
Enjoy the oohs and ahhs of your guests because they have no idea how imperfect your process was to create this seemingly perfect masterpiece.
See folks, imperfect works. It's quite perfect actually. We're all perfectly imperfect so stop worrying about having it all together and offer to the world what you have to give. God designed you perfectly with a purpose. He doesn't ask you to have it all together for Him or for other people. He wants you just as you are and He can do amazing things with your life if you let Him.
What I will do though, is tell you how I make a perfectly imperfect cheesecake. None of that no-bake sillyness, the baked in a springform pan kind!
It starts with spending 10 minutes trying to determine if 10-12 graham crackers means whole crackers or half, then throw your decided amount into a food processor. Add some melted butter and process until all crackers are moist. Press into a spring form pan and notice how dry your crust looks but decide you're too lazy to put it back in the food processor to add more butter. Place it in the fridge to cool.
Place two blocks of room temperature cream cheese in the cleaned food processor until it's smooth. Then add the vanilla and eggs. Promptly realize you were supposed to cream in the sugar before the vanilla and egg so add it at this time. Once smooth, add in the rest of your eggs. Pour mixture into your pan and notice how it hardly fills the pan. Re-read the recipe and realize that it was supposed to be two pounds of cream cheese, not two blocks.
Remove that third block you happen to have sitting in the fridge and decide you're too lazy to go to the store to buy a fourth. Place cream cheese in the microwave on defrost, remove and add to processor. Add in a little sugar (got it right this time), then a little vanilla, then another egg. Add this mixture to the mixture already in your pan and try to combine without destroying your dry crust.
Wrap bottom and sides of pan in your last remaining sheet of tin foil and place in a shallow broiler pan because you don't have a deep roasting pan like the recipe calls for.
Place this whole contraption in a 325 degree oven and then fill the broiler pan with water (while praying that it doesn't overflow the short sides of the small piece of tin foil you had to work with). Bake for one hour then turn the oven off and let it sit in there another hour.
Remove and let it come almost to room temperature (not entirely though because going to bed is more important). Place it in the fridge with saran wrap on top and let it chill for at least 8 hours.
When you're ready to serve, run a knife around the edge of the pan and then remove the side piece that I have no idea the name of. Place on serving plates and top with store-bought topping your choice.
Enjoy the oohs and ahhs of your guests because they have no idea how imperfect your process was to create this seemingly perfect masterpiece.
 |
| Leftovers beautifully presented in a plastic tub. 'Cuz that's how I roll. |
Monday, February 8, 2016
Directions out of a disorder
Round Two. And let me start by saying, Satan is already pissed. I wrote an entire blog post. And it didn't save. Hence proving:
This post, along with every other post on this blog, is going to raise the hairs on Satan's back. He is not pleased when Christian's announce victory over him. And that is exactly what I am doing here. And he will most definitely come at me. Maybe in this area, probably in another area of weakness so that I am caught off guard and I stumble. So I have to stay strong in the Word. I have to read it, and live it! I can't fight this battle with my own power alone. NONE of us can. I tried for far too long, and failed for far too long. Struggling with an eating disorder for three years was enough for me. My sins no longer stay locked up inside. I am perfectly imperfect. And there's no shame here. If I live as if I'm perfect and have no struggles then I have done nothing for the Kingdom. So here goes, folks. The truth for someone out there struggling with this.
First of all I say this with love and it might be hard to hear but the truth hurts sometimes. Choosing not to eat, bingeing, cutting, etc will not change life circumstances. And unfortunately it won't make people who we desire to love us, love us any more than they do. We can't control people, we can't control our circumstances, we are only in charge of ourselves and so we have to decide what we can do to live a fulfilled life regardless of the rest. Think on that for a bit. It's just the hard truth and it does help to understand it as part of the whole picture.
Now, whether we know God personally or not, He knows us. He created us. Each and every one of us and he loves us more than we can even understand. And so whether we believe it or not he is rooting for us and his heart breaks when we are in pain, especially when that pain could be alleviated if we let Him help us through the tough stuff and let him love on us the way we need to be loved.
With all that said, first step, decide that food is not the enemy and our bodies are not the enemy. Rid of the list of good food, bad food, fatty food, etc. and let food be food.
And Get rid of the scale! Don't even step on one. Never. Ever. Spend some time just listening to your body. What you want and what you don't want. How you feel, good and bad, comfortable or uncomfortable. Just pay attention to your signals.
And find something else to focus on or do with your time when you are stressed, angry, lonely or bored. Something you enjoy and can look forward to.
Hang with friends that are positive and supportive. Let people that you trust in on this struggle, don't try to fight it alone or in secret. You don't need to be ashamed. You are a real person with real struggles and everyone around you is no different they just might have different struggles.
And for the love, give God a chance. He freakin' loves you and His heart is broken for you. He knows your parents and your friends don't get it and that sucks. But they aren't perfect either. He is though so that's cool. And I get it. And I bet someone else out there does too. I hope this post gives us all the courage to speak up. Let's break Satan's strongholds together. Peace.
This post, along with every other post on this blog, is going to raise the hairs on Satan's back. He is not pleased when Christian's announce victory over him. And that is exactly what I am doing here. And he will most definitely come at me. Maybe in this area, probably in another area of weakness so that I am caught off guard and I stumble. So I have to stay strong in the Word. I have to read it, and live it! I can't fight this battle with my own power alone. NONE of us can. I tried for far too long, and failed for far too long. Struggling with an eating disorder for three years was enough for me. My sins no longer stay locked up inside. I am perfectly imperfect. And there's no shame here. If I live as if I'm perfect and have no struggles then I have done nothing for the Kingdom. So here goes, folks. The truth for someone out there struggling with this.
First of all I say this with love and it might be hard to hear but the truth hurts sometimes. Choosing not to eat, bingeing, cutting, etc will not change life circumstances. And unfortunately it won't make people who we desire to love us, love us any more than they do. We can't control people, we can't control our circumstances, we are only in charge of ourselves and so we have to decide what we can do to live a fulfilled life regardless of the rest. Think on that for a bit. It's just the hard truth and it does help to understand it as part of the whole picture.
Now, whether we know God personally or not, He knows us. He created us. Each and every one of us and he loves us more than we can even understand. And so whether we believe it or not he is rooting for us and his heart breaks when we are in pain, especially when that pain could be alleviated if we let Him help us through the tough stuff and let him love on us the way we need to be loved.
With all that said, first step, decide that food is not the enemy and our bodies are not the enemy. Rid of the list of good food, bad food, fatty food, etc. and let food be food.
And Get rid of the scale! Don't even step on one. Never. Ever. Spend some time just listening to your body. What you want and what you don't want. How you feel, good and bad, comfortable or uncomfortable. Just pay attention to your signals.
And find something else to focus on or do with your time when you are stressed, angry, lonely or bored. Something you enjoy and can look forward to.
Hang with friends that are positive and supportive. Let people that you trust in on this struggle, don't try to fight it alone or in secret. You don't need to be ashamed. You are a real person with real struggles and everyone around you is no different they just might have different struggles.
And for the love, give God a chance. He freakin' loves you and His heart is broken for you. He knows your parents and your friends don't get it and that sucks. But they aren't perfect either. He is though so that's cool. And I get it. And I bet someone else out there does too. I hope this post gives us all the courage to speak up. Let's break Satan's strongholds together. Peace.
Sunday, February 7, 2016
We're All Perfectly Imperfect
Everyone has at least one black hair. The really strong, ruthless black hair that grows back every time you pluck it, shave it, wax it or laser it. Okay, if you really just said to yourself "not me", then tell me about that obnoxious inch and a half blonde hair you found growing from your jawline the other day? Still saying "nope, not me", well then go to the bathroom, give yourself a close look-over in some good light, it's there believe me. Go. Seriously, I'll wait here.
This is good for you. It's humbling. Everyone's got at least one hair they can't beat (whether they know it or not and whether they admit it or not). It's what makes us human. And it's just more proof we aren't "perfect". But guess what, THAT'S OKAY! Because thanks to my gracious, loving, and perdy darn smart husband who introduced me to this, I have something to say about that.
WE'RE ALL PERFECTLY IMPERFECT.
"What does that mean?", you ask? Well let me explain. We humans, we can't be perfect on this earth. We just can't. We are to strive to be perfect as our Heavenly Father is perfect, which means we are to be as much like Jesus as we can, more-so everyday. But we will never be perfect as we were created to be until we are united with Jesus in Heaven. So while we are here on this earth, at this given moment, with all our strengths and weaknesses, goods and bads, sins and victories, we are as perfect as we are gonna get. We're perfectly imperfect. And we're perfectly loved by a perfect God. Regardless of what we do, what we did, what we look like, what we struggle with we are perfectly loved.
So I have an idea. What if we embraced that? What if we embraced the fact that we're all imperfect and so we have nothing to hide? What if there was no shame, no comparison, no secret footholds? What if you embraced who you are in your human entirety and just lived? What if you stopped hiding? What if?
Just an idea ;) But i'm runnin' with it. 'Cuz it's freeing. Try it.
This is good for you. It's humbling. Everyone's got at least one hair they can't beat (whether they know it or not and whether they admit it or not). It's what makes us human. And it's just more proof we aren't "perfect". But guess what, THAT'S OKAY! Because thanks to my gracious, loving, and perdy darn smart husband who introduced me to this, I have something to say about that.
WE'RE ALL PERFECTLY IMPERFECT.
"What does that mean?", you ask? Well let me explain. We humans, we can't be perfect on this earth. We just can't. We are to strive to be perfect as our Heavenly Father is perfect, which means we are to be as much like Jesus as we can, more-so everyday. But we will never be perfect as we were created to be until we are united with Jesus in Heaven. So while we are here on this earth, at this given moment, with all our strengths and weaknesses, goods and bads, sins and victories, we are as perfect as we are gonna get. We're perfectly imperfect. And we're perfectly loved by a perfect God. Regardless of what we do, what we did, what we look like, what we struggle with we are perfectly loved.
So I have an idea. What if we embraced that? What if we embraced the fact that we're all imperfect and so we have nothing to hide? What if there was no shame, no comparison, no secret footholds? What if you embraced who you are in your human entirety and just lived? What if you stopped hiding? What if?
Just an idea ;) But i'm runnin' with it. 'Cuz it's freeing. Try it.
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