This post was actually written 5 years ago this month. It was a turning point in my life. It was when I walked away from a three year eating disorder. I share it because I hope it inspires you, but I also hope it makes you smile. I share it lightheartedly to make the point that our struggles are not the end of the world for us. Our struggles are part of our journey and they make us stronger. When we take them to Jesus, they strengthen our relationship and dependence on Him. I am sharing this from "the other side" of this struggle. A place I pray those of you struggling with the same thing will find yourselves soon. I've got other struggles today that God and I are hashing out. I'm sure you'll hear about those at some point because we're about to kick Satan's arse in those areas too. ;)
Enjoy.
February 2011
Disordered eating has defined my life for as long as I can remember. No need to wade through the details, but take it for what it is. In the last year and a half, I have ventured through the latest of controlled eating, all-natural. This all per the influence of a good friend who found healing from her M.S. by eating completely natural for a year. With no drastic disease to tackle, but just another potential route to becoming America's Next Top Model, I jumped on this extremist wagon. I'd always naturally ventured to the polar ends anyways. This highly selective "way of life", we didn't dare call it the "D" word of course, when done perfectly would make you feel great, energetic and happy. But when even the smallest tid-bit of deliciousness was added to the concoction, all hell broke loose. Seriously. I would generally eat far too much because I had been deprived for so long. This would often times lead to a binge...and, though seldom as of lately but always quite possibly, resulted in a purge. It was extremely difficult, extremely counter-cultural, and extremely stressful. Confused observers who thought us crazy, always seemed to share the same advice, "all things in moderation", but that strategy obviously held no power or true freedom for me, because I always seemed to turn it into "all things in mega-portion". Needless to say, it's time to get off this wagon.
After a year and a half of an "on again off again" relationship with All Natural, I'm not a pound lighter, not a smidge happier, and not a bit healthier than the average Joe who eats Frosted Flakes for breakfast, a Philly cheese steak sandwich for lunch, Dorritos at break, and pepperoni pizza for dinner with a Dr. Pepper to wash it down and a bowl of ice cream to satisfy his sweet tooth. We're in the same boat when you study the functionality and contentment of our intestines, because seriously, they're built to handle whatever the crap we shove through there; it all comes out looking the same. (Don't get me wrong though, that machine needs fiber to fuel its engines at maximum efficiency, so there's balance to be found.) But look at our minds and he's got me beat across the boards, because after eating that unsweetened oatmeal for breakfast, salad with no dressing for lunch, an apple at break, and a plain chicken breast with steamed asparagus for dinner with the last of my daily 64ounces of water to wash it down and a bowl of frozen cherries to toy with my sweet tooth, I'm trying to digest a mix of jealousy, self-pity and self-righteousness, while Joe there is rubbing his belly as it digests pure deliciousness and satisfaction. Being your average Joe doesn't look so bad does it?
I think that following Joe's lead, with my own personal twist on it, doesn't sound like a half-bad idea. I'm engaged to be married in less than four months, 105 days to be exact. And the guy I'm marrying is a lot like Joe. Believe me he's not average in all areas, because this guy is the most amazing guy in the world, and those trying for runner-up wouldn't even come close if God gave them an extra lifetime. But he is your average american when it comes to his menu selection, while at the same time being a "man of refined taste". What that means for me is, all-natural isn't going to work, and I've got some work to do in culinary class. Lately I've been thinking a lot about what our menu might look like as a married couple. Being the super-wife and homemaker I know I'm of course going to be :), I want this man satisfied when he leaves the dinner table. I say this not in a sexist or male-power sort of way, but in a "I'm madly in love with this guy and I want the food on the table to make sure he knows it!" kind of way. Letting loose in this area and cooking meals that look more like what mama had the the table growing up, and less like you just pulled up the whole garden, gave it a rinse and slapped in on a plate, might work a little better to get my "I love you" message across. It's freeing, it's relaxing, it's way more me, and it's going to be way more "us." Him, being as amazing as he is, has been entirely supportive of my relationship with All-Natural, but I think he knows me well enough that there was no point in putting up a fight because he knew that relationship would never last. See why I love him? :)
So the other day, as I was pondering my official break-up with All-Natural and dreaming of my new life with down-home cooking, I found myself really wondering, will I ever be healed of disorded eating? What will happen to my body if I stock my kitchen with flour, cheese, cookies and the ever-forbidden 2% milk? Will I just binge and heaven forbid, get fat?! And whether it was me or that sweet voice from the heaven speaking, something inside of me said, "He'll heal you." That's it. "He'll heal you." This guy, the most amazing guy in the entire world, who loves me regardless of my merit, and thankfully regardless of my waist size, who has been my knight in shining armor, my handsome prince, and my superhero, will heal me. I can dream of a life where disorderd eating no longer defines me, because this guy, your average Joe when it comes to eating preferences, will help me see food for what it really is. It's not a monster, it doesn't need to control me and I don't have to control it. I just get to enjoy it, and he's gonna show me how, just by being who he is. Now that's a wagon I wanna be on, and never ever leave.
Let the fact be made very solidly known though, that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. God is my Father and the redeemer and sustainer of my life, and He is the one to receive all the glory for the chain of events in my life. He has been patient, loving, kind and gentle in my journey and he has provided for me every step of the way. Recently he has provided my most amazing fiancé, who has passion and vigor for life and who has joined forces with God, whom he passionately loves and follows, to bring me healing. I could not ask for more. God is so good, and He can use any means He wants to heal you too. Amen.
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