Writing. For me. Sort of.

I have gotten so far away from the kind of writing that I know I need. I have tried to journal, but I seriously can't write fast enough to get my thoughts down. I had...well...have the goal to blog once this month. It used to be my goal to blog once a week. But other things have taken over, or rather I just haven't made this a priority. I was supposed to write every Tuesday in order to spend time doing something I enjoy. It's hard though, because I've reached a block. I no longer know what to say, or why to say it, or who I'm even saying it to. I got off of Facebook this month, for good and without that avenue, I have no way of largely, obnoxiously announcing my attempt at writing-disguised as that so as not to be obvious of my need for approval. Just being honest. So I know no one will read it, but I tell myself it's not for them. Sort of. Because many of the things I write are for other people. I want them to know hope and I want them to know my story because it might inspire them in some way. But on the other hand, I can't be writing for approval because that's not where my value comes from. I have been in love with Jesus for 16 years now, half my life. And I still struggle to place my value in Him, and not what the world thinks of me. This is such basic concept that should have stuck years ago. Ugh.

Nonetheless, here I am, writing. And for now, just for me. Just to see if there's something here. To see if this is a good avenue for me to process life. Sometimes I can be funny and if you know me in person, I really mean sometimes. Most the time I enjoy a meaningful conversation over one riddled with humor, but I absolutely won't pass up a chance to slip a semi-humorous comment in here and there or tell a story from a more silly rather than serious angle. So in blogging, I can't say that I will ever truly be entertaining, though I wish I could be, much like a role model and woman crush of mine. Ahem Jen Hatmaker. But I can't be someone else on paper that I am not in real life. So I must be okay with this. I must remind myself again, I don't write for others, I write for me. Sort of. ha